October 2018 – Heal ThySELF DVM

You Choose

Yesterday was a difficult day.

I was reeling all day from two back-to-back cases that had me questioning myself and my profession. The first case was a dog I had been seeing for about 1-month with a left hind lameness that seemed to be a cruciate injury. However, a swelling developed near its hock, so it was brought in for a recheck. As I palpated the swelling my heart sank.

What if this was the real reason for the lameness and I had missed it? I started to hear white noise, I couldn’t form words and my heart was pounding in my ears as I heard the damning words in my head that I am stupid! I need to quit! I’m going to be sued for malpractice! Stupid stupid stupid!

The radiographs confirmed my worst fears – cancer with spread to the chest. If I had found the swelling earlier the dog might have a better prognosis. Shame on me!!

My anger was radiating out of me as I chastised the clients for even asking me to do this. My hands were clenched in fists and I was leaning over the exam table talking to them with short, clipped sentences so that I would not explode on them. How dare they put me in this position? How can I euthanize this cat? The tape in my head was screaming at me that life is so unfair, these people are cruel and ignorant, and I’ll never sleep tonight cause this cat will be haunting me! Unfair, Unfair Unfair!

There was no use even trying to sleep last night. I was depleted and exhausted, but my mind was racing with all the mistakes I had made in the first case and all the self righteousness of the second case. A couple of gin and tonics later and after watching mindless TV, I did fall asleep to horrible dreams and woke up with the covers pulled firmly over my head. It is not going to be a good day today either.

OR…….

I had a trying day yesterday.

Two cases allowed me to reaffirm my belief that I do the best I can but I do make mistakes. They also allowed me to reaffirm my belief in creating safe boundaries for myself and my staff.

The first case was a dog I had been seeing for about 1-month with a left hind lameness that seemed to be a cruciate injury. However, a swelling developed near its hock, so it was brought in for a recheck. As I palpated the swelling my heart sank. What if this was the real reason for the lameness and I missed it? My voice was a little shaky as I admitted that I had not seen this swelling before, and that while I didn’t think it was there, I could have possibly missed it. I was feeling jittery in my body and I had a huge lump in the back of my throat as I discussed the next steps. Did I miss this? Maybe. Maybe I didn’t do a thorough exam each time I saw her. I made a mental note to be sure I wasn’t getting rushed or lazy during exams. Then I moved on to create a plan for the next steps.

The second case was a cat that had been seen about 6-weeks ago for inappropriate urination. An initial work up indicated a medical condition, but the problem was not resolved and after several phone calls and other treatments the owners brought the cat in to be euthanized. I could hear and feel the owners’ distress. They felt backed into a corner and euthanasia was the only option they could see. I held my body tall and straight as I talked with them. My voice was a little shaky and my palms were sweating. I knew that I would NOT be performing the euthanasia today, but wondered if I had the ability to communicate well with the owners. I had a blunt discussion with the owners about my decision and expressed my understanding, but not agreement, with their decision. The owners temper flared a little at first, but I offered options that included euthanasia at another hospital, just not here, with me.

They decided to take the cat to a relative’s house where it could live outside, yet be very loved. But later that day, they came back and agreed to the full work up I had recommended. They thanked me for my honesty and I thanked them for their commitment to their cat and their trust in us. I felt so strong after the first interaction with them. I listened to my inner voice and set a clear boundary. I allowed my young technician to see that I value her mental health as well. In the end, as I wait on test results, I do not know what will happen in the future to this cat. But for now, I feel strong and so proud that I set the boundary in a way that allowed both parties to be heard and understood.

Last night I went to bed exhausted but intact. I did have some very vivid dreams that I will be thinking about today, but I feel rested and ready to see how today goes. I have the day off and so am up and moving early to enjoy my day.

It is your choice, you choose the stories that define your life.

Unlock the Power of Curiosity

Why am I able to enjoy work and be fulfilled?
How does leaving this job allow me to grow and be happier?

These are examples of high quality question affirmations; an exciting technique I was introduced to by my life coach, Jana Kellam.

Most of us have heard about affirmations. They are positive statements repeated to ourselves to challenge our negative self talk and create change in our way of thinking. Some examples would be: I am lovable or I am happy to go to work every day because I am appreciated.

High quality questions are those that allow for our brain to find positive answers that create change and growth.

Questions like:

What am I to learn from this experience?
(instead of ‘Why does this always happen to me?’)

-or-

What positive outcome could come from changing jobs?
(instead of ‘What’s wrong with me that I can’t find a job I like?’).

Our brains are fabulous at keeping a loop of self-talk running in our heads that can either build us up or keep us down. Our ego is also always looking to answer the questions we ask ourselves in the ways that will keep us safe, with safe being defined as in the box we know, with the beliefs we have.

But by combining the two techniques, we unlock our brain in a way to allow it to create positive answers that allow for growth and expansion. It creates a sense of curiosity about a situation that can unlock new answers.

The question “How does leaving this job allow me to grow and be happier?” might be answered by thoughts like “I will be able to start my own business!” or “The next job will reward my initiative and dedication!” or any number of other ways that feels good to you instead of depressing.

I encourage you to try this technique. Create high quality question affirmations and see how they allow you to find answers where you only found roadblocks and negativity before.

If you would like any help using this technique, or to share how it worked for you, please email me (Pamela@HealThyselfDVM.com) or set up a time to talk here: https://calendly.com/healthyselfdvm

Let’s Talk!

I started Heal ThySELF DVM because Dr. Sophia Yin, DVM committed suicide. I remember the day in 2014 when I heard of her suicide. My heart broke with this news. I sobbed uncontrollably. I wept often the next few days as I felt the magnitude of the loss to the world and her family.

On the call with my life coach that week I could not fully verbalize the depth of my grief. Through the sobs I could only choke out the words, “this is just not right and it has to stop.”

I never met Dr. Yin, so why did her death affect me so deeply? I only know that it caused me to profoundly recognize that we, in this profession we love so much, need help. Her death was the spark that set me on the path of Heal ThySELF DVM. I could no longer stand by silently and let others struggle.

***

I grew up knowing I would be a veterinarian. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that I would achieve this goal. It was a forgone conclusion.

In high school I shadowed a woman veterinarian who had a mixed animal practice. I loved every single minute of that experience. I vividly remember helping her castrate a horse in the field. During that procedure I got some blood on my sneaker. I was in heaven! It was a rite of passage for me. I wore that sneaker with pride and unwashed for months!

When I graduated Vet school I thought I was a superhero. I knew there were still things to learn, but I felt strong and capable. But very quickly the doubts and the defeats started. I was soon haunted by a vision of a small, frail version of myself with heaps of dead dogs and cats piled around me. The bodies were accusing me of killing them unjustly or letting them die. Therein lay the conflict: my goal was to save every animal yet animals died by my hand.

I had multiple jobs between 1990 and 2005 due to family situations as well as dissatisfactory jobs. What I came to realize is that all the jobs were the same. All of them beat me down with client demands, long hours, poor pay, friction with the staff and witnessing too much suffering and death. I was depressed and disillusioned about my profession. But at some point I realized that I was the constant, the common denominator.

I changed jobs, but I didn’t change myself.

***

My healing journey began quietly when I met Jane Savoie, an Olympic equestrian and transformational speaker, and realized that I felt better while in her presence. Something deep inside of me recognized that she had an optimism that I desperately wanted. So I started creating my path to healing. I found people, books and animals who helped me remember things that I had once, as a child, known: How to find happiness daily and how amazing we all truly are.

One of the most powerful things I have ever heard is “You are not broken. You don’t need to be fixed. You haven’t done anything wrong.” This was a revelation to me and it still takes my breath away. I believe it to be true for all of us.

That was where I started. I started by taking those statements as truth.

I was not broken. I was just deciding I wanted something different.

I didn’t need to be fixed. Everything I had experienced so far in life was so that I could be the person I am today.

I have never done anything wrong. I have always made the best choices I could given who I was and what my options were at the time.

These beliefs and the powerful statement by Maya Angelou, “when you know better you do better” released me from self-flagellation over perceived mistakes. I believe that I am in charge of how I feel. I know that emotions are attached to thoughts and I control the thoughts. I have learned that I can be compassionate without losing myself. I have beliefs and techniques to relieve stress and stay connected to myself so that I can enjoy a fulfilling and prosperous career as a Veterinarian.

I know how important and possible it is to find that healing path for yourself as a Veterinarian. Through Heal ThySELF DVM, I enjoy helping other veterinarians explore their path in a safe and nurturing environment. That spark that I now have, and want to share with others, is eternal and ever growing. I will honor Dr. Yin by transmuting our common belief of inevitable sorrow into the belief of undeniable joy.

The suffering veterinarian will become a myth.

***

If you feel, as I once did, if you are hoping that your career could be prosperous and happy, please set up a time to chat (totally free, of course) with me personally by clicking here: calendly.com/healthyselfdvm

You can also reach out to me via email at pamela@healthyselfdvm.com

Stories Are the Key to Feeling Better

I don’t know about you, but this last week or so has been very trying. The social and political happenings are really pressing on me and I feel more reactive than normal. This is the unfortunate 3rd anniversary of my dad’s passing and the 4th anniversary of Dr Sophia Yin’s passing which brought the mental health of this profession into the forefront. So I’m feeling a little frazzled.

I have found that acknowledging how I feel helps. Just saying that today sucked, that I want to scream (and then do it!), that I am devastated by current events helps those feelings to subside a little which gives me breathing room.

Breathing room. Take the time to acknowledge your emotions and breathe through them.

Big emotions can feel scary and we tend to want to push them down and ignore them in the belief that they will go away or that looking at them will overwhelm us. But emotions are a useful tool for examining your thoughts and beliefs.

One way to turn a belief on its head is to realize that no experience has meaning until you assign it one.

For example: we all know that some people meet the personal diagnosis of cancer with acceptance and the belief that their life still has meaning and go on to achieve great things. Others can never move past the anger, hurt and fear of it. The diagnosis of cancer was the same, but the meaning assigned to it was different.

I use this tenant “no experience has meaning until you assign it one” often in my day. Feeling the big emotions of diagnosing acute renal failure or hemangiosarcoma can be overwhelming. But maybe there is a story to tell, a meaning to assign to this, that will allow me to feel a little better about it.

I get to allow the clients to find their way through the process with dignity, grace and as much serenity as they can. The client gets to heal previous experiences with terminally ill pets, or maybe even family. I might learn new techniques or meet new doctors who become part of my “go to referral team.” It is all in how you can frame the experience.

So, I encourage you to feel your emotions and notice the accompanying stories. How can you reframe the thoughts so that they lead you to a better feeling place? Just for today, breathe through those big feelings and acknowledge them. Make the conscious choice to feel better and allow your brain and body to start moving you in that direction.

Try this idea on for size as you go through your day. Email me your questions or experiences with it, I’d love to hear from you. And if you want to chat in person, click here to sign up for a free 1 hr phone consultation. And please feel free to share this blog with your colleagues!