Month: May 2019

“We Don’t Need Self-Care, We Need Boundaries”

“We Don’t Need Self-Care, We Need Boundaries” is an article written by Pooja Lakshmin, MD in the October 2018 edition of Op-Med: Voices from the Doximity Network.

A theme I hear over and over again when talking with my colleagues is our lack of boundaries.  We say yes to everything and everyone and yet are depleted emotionally and physically by it. I’m going to keep my say in this matter short this week so you have time to read and digest this article.

It hit home for me and reinforced what I have come to believe:
Self-care is not an indulgence! It is sometimes difficult work of learning how to say NO without the accompanying guilt and shame. Setting boundaries for better living is self-care at it’s best!

Please read the article (linked here) and let me know how this idea could be implemented in your life and how it would feel to have better boundaries?

Choose Your Thoughts as Carefully as Your Food

I began an Ayurvedic eating plan a few weeks ago with the belief that it will alleviate some of the nagging health issues I am experiencing.  

The eating plan started with an evaluation of my current diet and health and then I started the cleanse.  I ate more good food during that 3 weeks than I have eaten in a long time!

But this experience brought up a question:
Why are we so focused on eating healthy, but we ingest toxic thoughts all day long without hesitation.  

We take in, repeat, relive and incorporate those toxic thoughts daily.  If they were food – grease, processed food, salt – we would say no, that’s not healthy for me, and make a better choice.

But toxic thoughts? Anger, resentment, fear, frustration – those we just happily ingest day after day and don’t think they have any effect on our health.

What if those thoughts are just as unhealthy as some foods? They can cause physical illness and pain, prevent us from connecting with loved ones, and chip away at our humanity.

I know I’m even more aware of those toxic thoughts creeping into my mind now, and more excited than ever to say NO to them.  How about you?

Just some food for thought 😉 today.

Life Lessons from an Orchid

I do not consider myself to have a green thumb, and for this, my grandma would be disappointed – she could grow anything.  My belief started in grade school when every year we planted some sort of seedling in styrofoam cups for Arbor Day. Mine always sprouted, but quickly got some sort of stem rot and died.  I felt embarrassed, and a failure, and one of the beliefs I adopted was “I can’t grow things.”

(BTW – do you see just how easily and quickly a belief is born?  A belief that can mould and affect the way you present yourself in the world?  Just food for thought!)

With that belief in mind, I have generally avoided being responsible for plant life. I might plant things outside, because I can then blame mother nature and the rabbits when it doesn’t grow. But inside… I have never had an indoor plant because of that childhood experience.

Fast forward many many years and someone gifted me an orchid!  OMG the pressure! Here’s this plant, depending on me to nurture it.  Here’s this person who gifted it to me (totally unaware of my fear of failure around plants) who is happily sharing her love of plants with me.  Here’s me, feeling all the pressure and really wanting to “just keep it alive” let alone growing.

Oy, the pressure.  But you know what? Four months later and it is still alive, and actually rather healthy as demonstrated by it blooming for a second time!  

What did I do?  Well, after doing quite a bit of research I picked a place for it, water it once a week, consciously tell it how beautiful it is every day and appreciate it.  Otherwise, I let it alone. I don’t worry about it. I don’t criticize the roots for looking pale. I don’t complain that it is not symmetric. I just let it be.

Hmmmm…… I gave it what it needed (sunshine, water, warmth, love) and allowed it to do its own thing. And it blossomed. And grew.

What if we all did this more in our relationships with ourselves and others? Wouldn’t it feel good to have a relationship where you gave authentic support and love, and then step back and let the magic happen?  That orchid knows how to grow and bloom. It has all that knowledge locked up inside of its genetics. So do you. So does your partner.

What if we all give ourselves what we are most wanting – love and nurturing – and just watch how we grow and blossom?  If we stop the nagging, the bullying and the self sabotage look what will happen – we will become a more beautiful version of ourselves.  Pretty cool, huh?

So, my suggestion is that we all give ourselves what we most want others to give to us (love, understanding, compassion), and see how that creates new growth and beauty in our lives.  I suspect you might be surprised at the outcome.

And as far as that belief I have about not being able to grow things, well, it is still there, but it sure is a lot smaller and quieter than it was a few months ago.  My ego still points out it’s only been a few months of success and doom is sure to happen, but… I just smile and enjoy my beautiful orchid.

Let’s Save Ourselves First

**TRIGGER WARNINGS**
Animal death, Death or Dying, Self-harm and Suicide, Eating disorders, Body hatred

It was spring of 2013. I had been a veterinarian for 23 yrs. I was tired, disillusioned and stuck. I was only doing the vet job because I was too lazy to try anything else.

I hated what my life had become:
Go to work, get beat up by emotional events, needy clients, endless death and dying.

Then I would go home, sit in the bathroom in the dark with the heater on and let the hum of the heater drown out my inner thoughts.  Thoughts which made my eyes tear up and my heart race. Thoughts which made me feel useless and stupid. Thoughts like, “You are dying in this job! This job is killing you! You are stupid! You are a failure!”  

As I moved to the bed to go to sleep, I’d grab a bag of cookies or Doritos and eat til it was empty. Then I’d close my eyes, feeling totally alone and overwhelmed, and cry. I would hold the exhalation between my sobs as long as I could–I didn’t want to inhale and face another breath–another round of self incriminations.  I’d fall asleep in my clothes and in my tears.

I’d wake up and do it all again…

One particular week I remember having many euthanasias, and each one of them tore me apart. I wasn’t able to handle the grief and distress of the owners or the pain and suffering of the animal.  I called into work one day and told the receptionist that I would not come in to work IF there was a euthanasia on the schedule.  I had hit my wall. I could not do it again. NOT AGAIN!

The weight of the emotional toll this job took on me was crushing.  I am not sure how I got over that week; I suspect mostly I just took the weekend to sleep and push all the emotions down, so that I could be ready for Monday.

I was ready for Monday, but I wasn’t healed.  That took a much longer journey of self discovery and prioritizing my mental health.  But what that week showed me is that the emotional toll this job can take, whether it is euthanasias, over filled schedules, long hours or being stressed about money, is REAL.

I understand the blogs and posts I read from my colleagues which implore clients to be nice to us and to thank us.  

I understand the feelings of my colleagues who say they are the type of people to never say no to an animal in need.  

I understand the desire to heal every animal that crosses our path and to beat ourselves up when we can’t.

BUT… I disagree that is has to be that way.  I disagree that it is ‘just who we are.’ I believe each of us has the power to be healthy and happy in this profession.

What I found had to happen for me to survive this profession was to prioritize my mental health, and create a foundation of beliefs that allow me to shed the stress more easily and in healthy ways.

I believe I have choices in how I move through my day. When faced with something that creates anger or resentment, I have a choice. I can honor those feelings and find a resolution that allows me to feel better. For example: I can say “No, I cannot see another patient today.” OR I can ask myself why I feel anger over the situation and find a way to resolve that idea so that I can say yes with a clear heart and mind.  Saying yes with underlying resentment or anger chips away at our mental health and our enjoyment of life.  

I don’t believe we need to suffer as veterinarians and veterinary staff.  I believe the answers to still doing all we do for pets lies in learning how to deal with our emotions in a timely and healthy manner.  We can still save all the animals, but we must save ourselves first.

We each need to learn the emotional intelligence skills we SHOULD HAVE learned as children, but too often were told things like, “Get over it! Ignore it! Don’t be mad! Be nice to your sister!”, etc. with no acknowledgement that those feelings were real and based in a belief we had.  IF we had been taught to examine our beliefs and behaviors like we were taught the times tables, we all would be better now.

What makes you mad at work?  What beliefs create that anger for you?  Do you say “yes” but feel resentful and angry?  Do you say “yes“, even though you know you are on the edge and need to say “No!”?

Dealing with sickness, death, distraught clients, and scared patients can be a burden.  But it can also be uplifting, life affirming and self-motivating. It depends on your outlook.

So I encourage you,  my colleagues, to keep saving all the animals you feel called to, but please, do it in a healthy way so that we can all benefit from your magnificent, shining, unique rockstar self!

If you would like to talk with me more about this, or if you are having trouble navigating this profession in a balanced, healthy way, please reach out to me.  I am offering a free one-on-one call to get to know each other a bit and illuminate the amazing person that you are and the skills that you want to learn. Then, if it feels good to us, you can sign up for a package of (8) weekly, 60 minute calls that will guide you on creating the life that you want.

You will learn to see that the beliefs that are causing you pain can be changed. You will see yourself as the strong, powerful, successful person that you are.

I believe in you. I believe in your strength and your wisdom.