Tag: animals

The Wounded Healer

There are many ways to do this thing called a Veterinary Medicine career.  

I had been the archetypal ‘Wounded Healer’ for many years.

As I look back, I am sure that it started with my experience shadowing a veterinarian in high school; where I learned that we eat on the run, work very long hours and get paid very little.  I honestly do not remember much of Veterinary school as I was living in a rather tiny, well controlled box (of my creating), that did not allow for much connection with my fellow students. Senior year clinicals were a trial to be withstood, but absolutely no fun.  I do remember several patients that made an impression on me. One was a Rottie pup with DCM that had a groundbreaking surgery performed on him, but who passed away just as he seemed to be healing; and a golden retriever who had a mass on her leg that “was” the leg.  I remember the clinician’s skeptical look as I couldn’t give her the dimensions of the tumor, I could only say that the tumor was her leg.

My first year of work was a real disaster that set me up for the next 15 years of suffering.  I knew that this clinic was not the right one for me, but I took the job to be close to my mother who was undergoing treatments for breast cancer (she is still alive and doing well!). This first job taught me a lot of what “I will never do”, but it also scarred me and ruined my confidence.   I left a few months before my contract was up, only to find another job that ended up beating me down in its own way. However, I did meet some incredible people there, did some amazing, successful surgeries (with the surgery book open next to me), and bought my first house! But I also experienced debilitating migraines, most likely because of my belief that I had to endure the hardships of the profession.

Jump forward to 2009 or so, and I stood in a different office, but with a huge choice to be made.  By that time I was living the outward life of a successful, happy person, but inside I was miserable.  I knew I was hanging on by my fingernails, desperately unhappy, exhausted and overwhelmed with the demands my profession was putting on me.  I went to work every day because of the commitment I had to my patients, but I was absolutely beaten down. I didn’t have any skills to deal with the demands of the job or the emotional toll it can take.  I was the Wounded Healer – existing to heal my patients, but not myself.

I decided that I wanted  to be more than that. I wanted to identify as a Person, not just as a Veterinarian.  As deeply as I felt called to sacrifice myself for my profession, deep down I knew it wasn’t who I really was.  I was a person desiring and deserving of all the things people not in my profession had – time with family, vacations, hobbies, sleep and the ability to be more than a healer of animals – I could heal myself.

Once I admitted that I was miserable (even though I felt noble in that misery), I made different choices about what thoughts I held close to me and which ones I chose to let go.  I held close the thought that I deserve to be adequately compensated with money and time-off, that I could have meaningful relationships in my life, that I could be a great veterinarian and a great romantic partner.  The choice was clear but not easy.

Breaking out of the myth that is the ‘suffering veterinarian’ was not easy for me.  We grow up with the stories of sacrifice and scarcity. The public puts demands on us that are unfair and unsustainable.  Our colleagues inadvertently add to our misery by asking us to squeeze in just one more patient into our day (and I am guilty of that as well and am recommitting to being respectful of your schedule).  But if you know that life could be better for you. If you want to be the best veterinary medical health care worker, AND the best YOU you can be… know that it IS possible. You have the knowledge and strength to create the life that you want.  Play full out at work, but also be able to play full out at home!

If this sounds like a path you are ready to tread, please set up a call with me or send me an email so that together, we can learn to be happy, prosperous and fulfilled.

How Connecting to Your Divinity Can Create Magic

WAIT!  Don’t stop reading if you are nervous about the word “divinity.”  Please, give me a chance to explain.  You still don’t have to agree with everything (or anything) I say, but I encourage you to read on.

Whew, ok, thank you for indulging me.   So I have never been particularly religious.  I was raised Catholic but I never really accepted the institution of religion.  I always wondered why I needed the clergy and all the pomp and circumstance.  I went through a very strong existential period in high school where I was very certain that we lived and we died and that was it.  And then I lived the majority of my life without any significant religious or spiritual leanings.  But deep down I have always felt there was something out there, something that I could see in the animals eyes and way of being that was bigger than me.   

Now, I was also very into the sciences and wanted to be a veterinarian from the time I knew what that was.  At that time, my understanding was you had to be either religious or scientific.  There did not seem to be any middle ground or ability for the two ideas to co exist.  You had to chose.  Through my journey as a veterinarian, though, I have needed to find a framework to deal with all the big emotions we deal with and the fact that we take lives. Science did not help me with it.  I was becoming more depressed and disengaged from the world.  What worked for me was discovering the idea of spirituality.  

The way I describe the difference is that religion is an institution with an unchanging, agreed-upon ideology. Spirituality affords me the autonomy to choose beliefs that work for me and allowed me to navigate the emotions and tasks of our job and find honor and comfort in them.  One belief I have adopted is that that we are all connected. That there is a power greater than all of us that connects us and can be tapped into for wisdom and grace.  You can call it Source, the Universe, God, divinity etc.  The word divinity or God used to strike fear in me.  I couldn’t even say the word God because I had such a negative experience around religion.  I started calling that higher power the Universe.  That was innocuous enough a word for me to use.  I have slowly come to the point that I can say the word God  without a shudder and I am happy for those that receive comfort from those words. For me, divinity does not mean God, it means the higher power, the greater wisdom that is out there.  

I believe we are all part of this divine wisdom. I believe that we are all striving to connect to it as deeply as we can in this lifetime, as that allows us to deeply connect with others.    

See if you can feel the divine in yourself.  Feel the connection to mother nature, to animals, to other humans. You may not completely believe yet, but let it percolate a little. And consider that if you are divine, so are the animals and people you interact with daily. See them as divine. Extend to them the same things you ask for yourself-to be respected, supported, and given the right to make your own choices.

This idea, that we are all connected and all part of the same higher wisdom, has allowed me to release a lot of the stress and anger I used to feel at work.  I used to get angry and upset with the decisions that clients made. I used to get very stressed trying to make sure the staff was doing their jobs correctly.  And the toll of euthanasias was dragging me down.  

As I started to explore the idea of being open to tapping into the wisdom of a higher power and seeing that power in others I was introduced to a tool that worked for me and I’ll share it with you.  

First, pretend that you have special eye glasses.  These glasses make the higher wisdom, the divinity in other people visible.  For me, the glasses showed me the Universe wisdom in others as a sparkly aura around them.  It could be different for you. I would mentally put the glasses on when I was having a difficulty with a person-maybe a client not hearing my recommendations, maybe a co-worker getting on my last nerve, maybe a pet being difficult as well.  By doing this and imagining the aura showing up I was reminding myself of how I would want to be treated in this situation.  It allowed me to then take a breath, find a new perspective and be content with the situation and how it resolved. The glasses were instrumental in changing how I interacted with people.  

So I encourage you to design your Source or divinity finding glasses and use them especially when you find yourself getting frustrated or angry at someone.  If not for their sake, then for yours.  

If we can give to others those experiences we want for ourselves, our days go much smoother.  Grant others the support, love and understanding that you are seeking for yourself. It doesn’t make you weak. Seeing others in a divine light doesn’t make them infallible either. It simply allows you to breathe, stay focused on your goals and make decisions based out of love not fear. You can be an effective doctor, tech or manager and still see the divine in others. It doesn’t change what happens, it changes how you deal with it.  

Let me know what you think of these ideas.  Are you more scientific minded or religious/spiritual minded and how does it help you move through the day?  I want to know.  You can reach me at pamela@healhthyselfdvm.com