I see a lot of my colleagues dealing with anger issues – anger at themselves, the clients, the staff, the world. But is anger the real issue or is there a deeper, even yuckier feeling emotion that anger is covering for?
First, a little background discussion about emotions. We have typically labeled emotions as good or bad, but I believe all emotions are good. They point us in the directions we want to go. When we feel sad it is an invitation to find thoughts that feel better to move toward contentment, or hopefulness, for example.
Anger is an emotion that feels better than hopelessness or sadness. Anger has movement to it — we are often physically agitated, we use our breath and voices more, our hearts beat faster — all forms of movement. Movement usually feels better than stasis – hopelessness or overwhelm; where you want to be still and curled up in a ball.
The question to ask yourself is: WHY am I angry? And the answer cannot be based on someone else’s actions or words. What the person did or said is not important, the important thing is how it made you feel and WHY. Let’s look at a possible scenario:
Client comes in with a sick dog. Not life threatening but definitely in need of medical assistance. You make recommendations. Client declines all, just wants a shot of antibiotic for the dog. You get increasingly angry at their refusal to do anything else.
Why are you angry? What is the underlying belief that you have that is causing you to get angry?
Are you angry because in declining, they imply you don’t have the right answers? You believe you are an imposter or a liar.
Are you angry because you believe that their declining of your recommendations shows that you lack the ability to communicate effectively? You are a failure.
Are you angry because you feel the animal is helpless and you are their only hope? You are helpless.
We can see from these possibilities that anger is often the outward expression of denying other lower emotions or beliefs – helplessness, failure, incompetence, sadness, frustration.
If you can name the underlying reason why you are angry, then it is possible to play with it and diffuse it by changing your thoughts. This can be done in the safety of your home so that you can be a little more prepared the next time anger wells up inside of you.
There are many ways to let go of the underlying beliefs and we will explore them in the coming weeks.
Today I want you to play with the idea that you always do your best. That statement is simple, you say. Of course I always do my best! But how often do you beat yourself up for not knowing something, or having an animal die unexpectedly, or believing you missed something on an exam? We do it all the time. But if we truly believe that we always do our best, then there is no reason for beating ourselves up.
That negative self talk has no place in our brain. You always do your best. Yes, you cannot know everything. Yes, mother nature sometimes has her own plans. Yes, you may have missed something on an exam, but it doesn’t mean you didn’t do your best. It means you are human. And it means there is always more to learn. That’s it. In every situation there is always more to learn-even when the outcomes are terrific and defy the odds-there is something to learn.
And, let’s flip that statement around to the staff, the clients, the public. Everyone always does their best! The place that understanding and compassion comes from is realizing that their best is not necessarily in line with what you would do. And that is ok. It is their best. There is no reflection whatsoever on you. You did your best – examining, diagnosing, creating the treatment plan, doing the surgery, etc. There is no reflection on you no matter what they chose to do and no matter the outcome. If you believe that you did your best then there can be no judgments and no negative self talk.
So, one way to diffuse the anger is to adopt the belief that you always do your best. I give you permission to say this! Give yourself permission as well. The outcome is not in your hands. There is nothing else that can be asked of you but to do your best. Learn, grow, explore yes, but no beating up on yourself.