**TRIGGER WARNINGS**
Animal death, Death or Dying, Self-harm and Suicide, Eating disorders, Body hatred
It was spring of 2013. I had been a veterinarian for 23 yrs. I was tired, disillusioned and stuck. I was only doing the vet job because I was too lazy to try anything else.
I hated what my life had become:
Go to work, get beat up by emotional events, needy clients, endless death and dying.
Then I would go home, sit in the bathroom in the dark with the heater on and let the hum of the heater drown out my inner thoughts. Thoughts which made my eyes tear up and my heart race. Thoughts which made me feel useless and stupid. Thoughts like, “You are dying in this job! This job is killing you! You are stupid! You are a failure!”
As I moved to the bed to go to sleep, I’d grab a bag of cookies or Doritos and eat til it was empty. Then I’d close my eyes, feeling totally alone and overwhelmed, and cry. I would hold the exhalation between my sobs as long as I could–I didn’t want to inhale and face another breath–another round of self incriminations. I’d fall asleep in my clothes and in my tears.
I’d wake up and do it all again…
One particular week I remember having many euthanasias, and each one of them tore me apart. I wasn’t able to handle the grief and distress of the owners or the pain and suffering of the animal. I called into work one day and told the receptionist that I would not come in to work IF there was a euthanasia on the schedule. I had hit my wall. I could not do it again. NOT AGAIN!
The weight of the emotional toll this job took on me was crushing. I am not sure how I got over that week; I suspect mostly I just took the weekend to sleep and push all the emotions down, so that I could be ready for Monday.
I was ready for Monday, but I wasn’t healed. That took a much longer journey of self discovery and prioritizing my mental health. But what that week showed me is that the emotional toll this job can take, whether it is euthanasias, over filled schedules, long hours or being stressed about money, is REAL.
I understand the blogs and posts I read from my colleagues which implore clients to be nice to us and to thank us.
I understand the feelings of my colleagues who say they are the type of people to never say no to an animal in need.
I understand the desire to heal every animal that crosses our path and to beat ourselves up when we can’t.
BUT… I disagree that is has to be that way. I disagree that it is ‘just who we are.’ I believe each of us has the power to be healthy and happy in this profession.
What I found had to happen for me to survive this profession was to prioritize my mental health, and create a foundation of beliefs that allow me to shed the stress more easily and in healthy ways.
I believe I have choices in how I move through my day. When faced with something that creates anger or resentment, I have a choice. I can honor those feelings and find a resolution that allows me to feel better. For example: I can say “No, I cannot see another patient today.” OR I can ask myself why I feel anger over the situation and find a way to resolve that idea so that I can say yes with a clear heart and mind. Saying yes with underlying resentment or anger chips away at our mental health and our enjoyment of life.
I don’t believe we need to suffer as veterinarians and veterinary staff. I believe the answers to still doing all we do for pets lies in learning how to deal with our emotions in a timely and healthy manner. We can still save all the animals, but we must save ourselves first.
We each need to learn the emotional intelligence skills we SHOULD HAVE learned as children, but too often were told things like, “Get over it! Ignore it! Don’t be mad! Be nice to your sister!”, etc. with no acknowledgement that those feelings were real and based in a belief we had. IF we had been taught to examine our beliefs and behaviors like we were taught the times tables, we all would be better now.
What makes you mad at work? What beliefs create that anger for you? Do you say “yes” but feel resentful and angry? Do you say “yes“, even though you know you are on the edge and need to say “No!”?
Dealing with sickness, death, distraught clients, and scared patients can be a burden. But it can also be uplifting, life affirming and self-motivating. It depends on your outlook.
So I encourage you, my colleagues, to keep saving all the animals you feel called to, but please, do it in a healthy way so that we can all benefit from your magnificent, shining, unique rockstar self!
If you would like to talk with me more about this, or if you are having trouble navigating this profession in a balanced, healthy way, please reach out to me. I am offering a free one-on-one call to get to know each other a bit and illuminate the amazing person that you are and the skills that you want to learn. Then, if it feels good to us, you can sign up for a package of (8) weekly, 60 minute calls that will guide you on creating the life that you want.
You will learn to see that the beliefs that are causing you pain can be changed. You will see yourself as the strong, powerful, successful person that you are.
I believe in you. I believe in your strength and your wisdom.