Of course I mourn the physical loss – the loss of the routines, the snuggles, the care.  I miss the emotional support that he gave to me – the unconditional love. And at times, I have found myself experiencing rage and helplessness.

Demanding or crazy clients, multiple euthanasias, squeezed in appointments and extra shifts all conspired to bring me to my knees a couple of times.  I had a few mini meltdowns last week at work and cried myself to sleep several nights. But last week I also realized that at the root of my emotional turmoil was the feeling of not being in control.

I had been forced into taking Mu’s life, and others, because I couldn’t control their disease. I had no control over staff squeezing in an appointment.  It may have been the right thing to do but I was apoplectic about it. There were several other events that caused me to ask “Why did I have a melt down over that?”

The answer was the realization that I don’t have control over things.  It is a human trait. It is a trait developed over eons to keep us physically safe.  But when our false sense of being in control over mother nature and others’ decisions is rocked, it can create havoc!

That’s what I experienced last week and I suspect it was not unique to me.  I invite you to look at scenarios that have upset you in the past. Really examine them from a higher perspective.  

Was the underlying reason that you got upset the feeling of loss of control?

I was stunned at this discovery as I do not consider myself a control freak. But, in the midst of my grief, with my life turned upside down, there it was. I was doing ok until I couldn’t control something – mother nature, the schedule, others’ decisions.  Then I felt the pounding in my chest, the white noise in my head, the tension building in my body and the overwhelming need to yell, scream or cry.

I was reminded about all the memes I see on social media along the lines of “Let Go and Let God.”  A cornerstone of my belief system is that I am in control of my own thoughts and emotions, and by shaping them I live the life I want to.  But, to have pointed out so viscerally to me last week the level that control played in my outlook on life, was eye opening.

I do not have all of the answers here today.  But what I do know is that last week I learned an important lesson:

The need to control our experiences is a strong force in us.  We believe that if we could just control what happens to us, what others’ do or say, we would be happier.  But we are never in control. Never!

The ability to let go and believe that you can handle anything that comes your way is actually the key to happiness.