Arggghhhhhh! I laid awake the night after my first patient died after surgery. I was exhausted, but unable to keep my eyes closed or my brain quiet. I felt cold and sweaty at the same time. I laid on the couch watching inane late-night tv while I did a thorough job of beating up on myself:
Did I cause this death? What sign did I miss that this was going to happen? Could I have done something better? If only I was a better doctor this wouldn’t have happened. I am such an incompetent doctor. I obviously should never do surgery again. How could I do surgery ever again.
I eventually fell asleep only to wake up with the exact same thoughts pounding in my head as I headed into the clinic for another day.
GUILT. The emotion that comes over us as we believe we caused someone harm.
GUILT. The emotion that arises when we compromise our values by acting, or not acting, in accordance with our beliefs.
GUILT. That horrible feeling we get when we believe we should have done more. We should be able to work more hours, know everything about everything, and cure every patient we see. Silly right? Of course, but we all say these things to ourselves!
This emotion, guilt, brought on by our thoughts, is a major reason we experience compassion fatigue and burnout. We keep layering on the belief that we should know more and be able to do more, day after day, week after week, until we are depleted and not able to see how much good we do in a day and how needed we are.
I like the cognitive theory way of softening and negating this emotion of guilt. By changing our thoughts about a situation we can soften the feeling of guilt and even avoid it all together.
When you experience a situation that has you feeling guilty, notice the thoughts you are thinking. What story are you telling yourself about the situation? Be on the lookout for thoughts that begin with “I should have” or ‘I could have” or those thoughts using words like “always” (such as “I always make mistakes”). These are the kind of thoughts that lead to the emotion of guilt and keep us from being able to assess a situation honestly, learn from it, and move on.
I encourage you, when you are feeling guilty, to change the story you are telling yourself. Phrases like “I did my best” and “My team and I did all we could to save her, it just was not to be” are powerful and true statements. Learn from all outcomes, successes as well as failures, and be willing to let yourself off the hook. Notice the thoughts associated with your emotions and create new thoughts to orient yourself in a better feeling direction.