You are scared about your performance at work.
You are stressed by trying to keep the house cleaned up.
You are exhausted by the end of the day and fall asleep on the couch in your clothes.
You are frustrated with the kids when they ask simple questions.
You are overwhelmed wondering how you will get through this next year if something doesn’t change.
But you say…… “I’m fine.”
Why have we adopted this ‘correct’ answer to this question? We are so scared of admitting to ourselves, let alone to others, that we would like some help and support. We all need it, and usually daily, but we won’t even verbalize that we are anything other than fine.
One of the problems with everyone being ‘fine’ is that it reinforces the idea that I must be the only one that cannot handle things. We assume that everyone else really does have it figured out, and we beat ourselves up for not being as perfect as they are.
It continues to reinforce the idea that there must be something wrong with me if I am not anything other than on top of my game. And it creates a stigma around mental health that can prevent us from seeking counseling or therapy to help ourselves.
But how do we change this? I suggest that we need to be brave! We need to stop, and before just answering “I’m fine.”, we need to take a second and recognize how we are feeling. Then we need to tell someone. The answer to “How are you today?” can be rooted in gratefulness that someone asked. Give them the benefit of the doubt that they really DO want to know and will help you if they can.
If the question was asked by a stranger at a store, etc., sometimes I find myself answering “It’s a rough day, but it got better because you asked me that.” If I take 3 seconds to feel a connection with that person, it does make me feel better, and it is not dependent on that person at all. They often give me a quizzical look, and may not utter another word … but I feel better! And hopefully, my answer has given them permission to rethink their answer to the question the next time they are asked it.
If that question is asked by someone I know, I will be as truthful as I can be. Feeling safe discussing our emotions comes from within, and is a practice we can all cultivate.
Answering something like “I am sad today, but thank you for asking.” can feel liberating. It may start a conversation that feels good or at the very least you were honest with yourself and that is liberating.
You see, when you answer is always “I’m fine.” you are lying to yourself. That can become a habit which only stuffs your true emotions further and further down, which is JUST. NOT. HEALTHY.
Now, you do not need to give an hour long dissertation on all that is wrong in your life, but acknowledging that you are human gives freedom to others to do the same.
And, if you are asking the question, be open to hearing a different truthful answer. Sometimes just holding your heart open to an honest answer allows the other person to feel safe saying something other than the expected answer. You never know who needs that moment of kind connection.
So, if you don’t want to break the “I’m fine.” cycle for yourself, do it for someone else who needs to be reassured that they ‘are fine’ for having emotions, rough days, and a desire to be on a tropical island all by themselves!
So, my dear friends, how are you today?
Let me know in the comments or feel free to email me directly at Pamela@HealThyselfDVM.com .
