Here’s a scenario for you: You are at your family dinner. Everyone brought their expected dish to contribute, when your brother/sister starts telling the usual stories about your childhood. You feel embarrassed as usual and try and stop the comments that you know are coming, because they happen every.single.time. your family gets together. You aren’t that person anymore and you hate that story and the teasing that ensues, but you cannot stop it. And if you do try to stop it or declare that the story is hurtful to you, often the result is an argument.
As we grow older and wiser, sometimes the traditional family stories are experienced as hurtful, but stopping them can be difficult. There may even come a time when you don’t want to subject yourself to those stories and that treatment any more and stop going to the family functions.
The exact same thing can happen in a work family. Everyone knows their role and outgrowing your assigned role can be very difficult to experience. Some people may be threatened by your new ideas and coping skills, or the sense that you might be wanting to move on, and might apply pressure to keep you there.
Our profession creates strong work family units. We spend long hours together dealing with life and death issues, and lean on each other for support. This can be experienced as mutually beneficial support.
But what happens when we outgrow that support system or when it is a dysfunctional system?
There are times when we keep ourselves from growing or expanding, because we do not want to lose the work family. We become dependent on them in an unhealthy way and may continue to deal with our emotional responses in unproductive ways, because it is just “how it is done” here. Venting, complaining about other staff members, disparaging client decisions, etc. are all ways of coping with strong emotions. These may not ultimately be healthy ways to deal with emotional turmoil long term ,and can be a cause of burnout or compassion fatigue.
Sometimes we may be unable to fathom leaving a work situation because of guilt. Guilt of leaving friends behind, or admitting to ourselves that we could be happier somewhere else, or the guilt of peer pressure. The peer pressure that says that we should stay in a compromising situation because everyone else is.
The strength and internal fortitude to move on when it is in our best interest is not always easy to find or uphold. Change is not easy! And being the one to say that this work environment no longer works for me is not always easy. It is easier to continue to complain, vent and disparage, or turn to sleep or alcohol to cope instead of making a change.
Breaking free from these work constructs can be difficult. Work families can be a great source of support, encouragement, and understanding, but they might also be stifling and confining.
Wanting a different work environment or dealing with stress in a different way can challenge your place in the family. Know that it is ok to want a different experience at work and know that you deserve to be happy and thrive at work.
You may not need to change your work address to be happy. A lot can change if you set your mind to being who you want to be and handle stress how you want to. I have seen offices change just because one person, with a different attitude, was able to affect the whole office.
I know how much my work families have meant to me. I have also experienced dysfunctional work families that even though I knew it was over for me, I stayed. I stayed for the others. I stayed because it was easier. I stayed because I wanted to keep supporting my friends.
I’ve recently changed jobs and leaving my work family was very difficult. In my situation I felt supported and appreciated, but it made me realize other jobs that I left where I didn’t feel that. It made me realize that it is difficult to make changes even when you know it is in your best interest.
Be brave and make the changes that you feel are necessary, and know that everyone else at work will do the same for themselves. You may not need to leave your current work family, but you may need to be confident and strong in how you want to be treated and how you want to handle stress. Don’t let others dictate how you deal with your emotions. Find your way, and if means your work culture, or your work address needs to change, allow that to happen.
Be the change you want to see in this world.